Navigating the Tightrope: Parenting Adult Children on Precarious Paths
- Stephen Scherer, Ph.D.
- Jan 31, 2024
- 3 min read
By: Stephen Scherer Ph.D.,
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
As a psychologist, I witness the heartache parents endure when their grown children venture down seemingly dangerous or toxic paths. The natural instinct to swoop in and rescue clashes with the reality of their desire to exercise autonomy as adults. So, how do we navigate this emotional tightrope?
Understanding the New Role of Parent for Adult Children:
It’s an incredibly difficult thing to accept that your role has shifted. You're no longer a decision-maker but a supportive presence, even if they live under your roof. While expressing concern is warranted, remember, ultimately, your child's choices are theirs to make, and the consequences are theirs to bear. I know I probably lost a number of you with that statement and I ask that you hear me out below.
Open Communication, Not Control:
Open communication is crucial. Choose a calm, non-judgmental moment to express your worries, focusing on specific behaviors and their potential or current impact. Avoid ultimatums, threats, or manipulative tactics, as they push your child further away. Use strategies such as validation to bridge the gap in understanding and avoid phrases such as “you should,” “you have to,” “I hear what you’re saying, but…” or attacks on their decisions. Frame your concerns as observations: "I see you spending a lot of time with X, and I'm worried about Y." This opens the door for dialogue without dictating outcomes. If this is the first or fifth conversation you will want to try to avoid dictating the outcome or going into it with an immediate goal of making change happen.
Respecting Boundaries:
As adults, your children deserve healthy boundaries. This means accepting their decisions, even if you disagree, while also setting your own limits. For example, you might choose not to financially support harmful choices and maintain unconditional love and an open door for when they're ready to make different decisions.
Tough Love vs. Enabling:
The line between tough love and enabling can be blurry. Tough love involves setting clear boundaries and consequences, like not bailing them out financially. Enabling, on the other hand, protects them from the natural consequences of their actions, hindering their growth.
Prioritizing Your Well-being:
Witnessing your child struggle is emotionally taxing. Seek support for yourself, through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends. Taking care of your own mental and emotional well-being allows you to be a more supportive and present parent.
Remember, change takes time. Be patient, consistent, and loving. Trust that your child has the capacity for growth, even if it happens on their own timeline. And finally, know that you're not alone. Many parents face similar challenges. Seek guidance from mental health professionals or support groups to navigate this complex journey.
Conversation Tips:
Focus on "I" statements to express your feelings without blame.
Offer support and resources and don't force interventions.
Acknowledge their autonomy and respect their right to make mistakes.
Seek professional help if your child's choices pose immediate danger to themselves or others.
Remember, your love and support remain vital, even from a distance. Trust the process, prioritize your well-being, and know that you're doing the best you can in a challenging situation.
*The information in this blog post is intended for general informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Please consult with a qualified mental health professional before making any changes to your lifestyle to make sure they are right for you.
Additional Resources:
The Gottman Institute:
Provides research-based resources to help couples and families build healthy relationships.
The Jed Foundation:
Protects emotional health and prevents suicide among teens and young adults.
The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD):
Offers resources and support for families struggling with addiction.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI):
Provides support, education, and advocacy for families and individuals affected by mental illness.
https://www.nami.org/NAMInet/Marketing-Communications/NAMI-Logos
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